Saturday, 25 July 2015

Reining in the Crazy (and Failing)

I had a whole host of posts lined up and written (shocking I know) but none that were of a publishable standard (well not in my books). So here I am sat at the screen desperate to get all my thoughts on paper from the last, well honestly? Probably the last month. Life has been mental and every time I feel like I am starting to rein in the crazy and settle something happens. Sometimes it was something small, like a bad day and everything feeling like crap, sometimes it was something a little bigger, like the hunt for a job and a house with a tight deadline so I could fulfil my wish of staying in Norfolk for another year and sometimes, as I am finding, the crazy is kind of a big deal. The latest crazy was: losing a job in the exact span of a day and a half, combined with and linked to, a trip to the doctor that turned into a week's stay in hospital and an operation, as well as a very satisfying amount of morphine and some spectacular bruises to show for it. Oh and did I mention that this has left me unable to eat properly, housebound, completely grumpy and less than grateful for my body, all in the WEEK BEFORE and DAY OF my UNIVERSITY GRADUATION CEREMONY?!

Dramatic. Melodramatic. That's me and how I am often described. However, at present I feel I am not exaggerating. The last few weeks have been filled with so much drama and whether it's the lack of food, exhaustion from the pain and frustration of being mentally ok but physically rather crippled, and weak... I feel completely angry with a lot of things. But right now? I am angry that I was too unwell to appreciate the day that was meant to be exciting, special, and filled with lots of photos of myself and my wonderful course-mates. Instead I decided to honour a motto I tend to live by: Never look as crap as you feel. And good god did I succeed! I put on the beautiful dress I ordered in the sale, did a full face of makeup and looked more well than I had in weeks. I'd even venture to declare that I looked good. But I was in tears before the ceremony even started. I was placed in my row, but it was less than 10 minutes before I made a speedy exit. I saw the concerned looks of my coursemates, how could they know after all? Many assumed it was a panic attack. For once, no, I felt horribly nauseous and instead of remembering the moment on that stage and savouring the fact that this was only going to happen once and I had earned the right to a pretentious gown and stupid cap, I was instead chanting in my head:
"Just breathe, in and out, in and out. Ok now sip some water, but not too much. Being sick is not an option." I blamed the breakfast I needed to give me some energy. I hated everything in those moments and that hour was one of the longest of my life. The same goes for the walk across the stage. That was the longest walk of my life, plus instead of looking at the Chancellor as I shook her hand, I am pretty sure I looked through her just like I did everyone, as I tried to find my feet and keep them planted.

I saw friends, hugged them, congratulated them, all the while still wishing I could be at home in bed, but knowing that I needed to be at my graduation, to be with them because if I wasn't I'd only look back with regret. I am in photos, my family were with me, I have my certificate and after feeling how I felt, it means more now than it ever has.

I am pretty certain that following this post I will get messages asking why I never said anything about my "adventures" in hospital, or why I didn't announce it until now. I didn't because I had no idea how hard it would be to fend off. I thought (as per usual) I'd just, you know, soldier through. That's what strong people do right? But right now I don't feel very strong. I just feel tired. Plus when faced with the pity, those "Are you ok?" questions, the concern, I will pretty much be guaranteed to crumble into a puddle of tears and emotion or turn purple with rage or green with envy. Basically, I am unpredictable and emotional and NOT in a positive way at all. I like to keep my mess to myself usually, but on this occasion I wanted to fill you in and let you know why I have been a little AWOL recently.

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