Thursday, 28 November 2013

Empty Words, Empty Promises: I am Done.

I love Jesus, with everything I have. And I know he loves me more than I can ever imagine. But what about those times when he doesn't feel like enough? I know that's a bold statement to make in the Christian world, particularly since the Bible specifically says that Jesus is enough, that God's grace is enough for us. But sometimes I just don't feel like that's true. I don't always get the answers I need, I don't always feel like Jesus is there, providing for me. I feel distant, I feel lost and even when we are told to "rest in the promises of God, because he never breaks them" What does that actually look like? In real life what would I say to someone who asked me that? Right now, I have no idea. I don't know how to just "be." I don't know how to be okay with the fact that life happens and I can't always feel Jesus there. I can't be okay with that. What do I do when worship begins to feel like empty words? When praying feels like talking to myself? I am done with words. They are empty and meaningless alone. I need something real and something true because empty words and empty promises change nothing.

Tuesday, 19 November 2013

Well Hello Again!

I haven't written for a long time now... it is not for want of trying though. I have too many drafts/ideas written down to even begin to count but nothing I write reads well. I am sat here hoping that this attempt won't end up in my other pile of drafts, but you never know! I want to say that so far my stay in France has been incredible, and that everything is here is hunky dory. Well firstly, the fact that I used hunky-dory in a non sarcastic manner probably proves that I am not being entirely truthful! I do love this country, but it seems to be a love hate relationship: I love the weather, I love the people I have met here, and I love the church I am so privileged to be a part of. But the total lack of organisation and any kind of system out here is incredibly frustrating and has brought me to tears so many times. The language barrier can frustrate and annoy me, and it is definitely the small victories I am counting on.

It is small victories like making myself understood in lectures: asking a pertinent question that the lecturer actually understands and thinks is valid. It is in meeting new people who understand your french, and then proceed to complement it. It is the end of the "french headaches" caused by spending all day having to concentrate twice as much as normal just to ingest some of what is being taught in lectures. It is forgetting which language you started the conversation in because you switch between the two so often. It is accidentally starting to speak to my parents in french and therefore seeming incredibly pretentious... though more so than that it is beginning to automatically do the 3 bisous when you meet people (it is confusing when people are from different regions so don't do 3).

Sometimes we just need to remind ourselves of the small victories when we feel defeated and down: they add up to so much more than we realise! The small victories are a declaration of progress and however insignificant that progress may feel, in the face of despair and heartache it is the silver lining.