Friday, 7 February 2014

A Letter to One Third of AUNT

I wrote this for you because you need to know that you are so much more than what you believe and what is happening to you. Love you.

Things are difficult for you. I know that this is an understatement. You get upset because you feel like you are not enough and that you never will be. You cry over people who are not worth your time or your tears. You fret over things that most people wouldn't think about twice. You see a person who is weak, who is broken and who is less than exceptional and entirely ordinary. It breaks my heart. I wish that just for a day you could see yourself through my eyes. To me you are incredible. I see all of the pain, and all of the heart ache, but I do not see weakness. I see strength. I see the effort it takes for you just to make it to the end of the day. I see the times when you have been distraught because someone else has raised and then dashed your expectations and yet again it seems like they have trampled on your dreams. I know you see someone who is questioning their existence and doesn't see the point.

Well I wish you could see what I see: A woman who is fighting a war in her head which few understand and even fewer will live. I see a woman who is broken by this war, disheartened and down, but still standing. I see strength in this: you still have the strength to get to the end of the day, to know who you are and fight for that. I see a woman who is fiercely loyal, kind and caring. You take crap from no one and are not afraid to speak your mind. I admire the courage in that and there is something so beautiful in a heart and mind which has taken so much pain and abuse and still say: "No. I will say what I believe. I don't need to accept your opinion as my own." I see a friend who is a whole ocean away and still asks how I am doing, and who is still able to love and support me. I see a woman whose battle scars and life story only make her more powerful, and more beautiful. I wish that you could see that, and I wish you could understand that you are so much more than what happens to you. You are so much more than what you believe and what you see.

Thursday, 6 February 2014

26 Letters & Writers Block

Writing is one of my favourite things in the whole world. But there are days like today, or even weeks where inspiration runs dry. I want to create something inspiring, beautiful, and something perfect. I keep trying to put words on paper but nothing forms correctly. It's all so empty and insincere, the very emotions I am trying to evoke seem shallow and fake. I can't do it. I rip up the paper in frustration, delete every word document I reread because it isn't acceptable. I delete them because I get angry with myself. I delete them because I can't find a way to make the words paint the picture I want. There are infinite combinations of 26 letters, and it feels like not a single one of these is going to become what I want it to. Somewhere in the back of my mind are the number of page views and the comments that people have made about my writing. I can't bear the idea of publishing anything yet... It isn't done. It isn't ready. I know that nothing is sincere enough to pull people in and though it is good, good isn't enough. I want perfect.

Perfect. Yet again my wandering heart begins to chase the very thing which is impossible to attain. Yet again I need to remind myself that in Jesus, in my saviour I can find rest, peace and perfection. I simply need to look to the cross. I simply need to fall at the foot of it and cry out to my saviour. It is here I find my rest and here I will find my peace of mind. I know that writing is difficult at the moment and an alphabet of 26 letters seems too small and too big at the same time. I guess the lack of ability to form my thoughts and articulate my emotions is reflected in the fact that at the moment my mind is somewhat chaotic. I feel like there is so much going on inside my head that my poor little brain is not managing to process or articulate anything very clearly. I am forcing myself to overcome writers block by making myself to write through it. It is for this reason that I am almost too eager to add a disclaimer to each post for the foreseeable future: I worry that they will not be of a high standard because they are not written in moments of mad inspiration, but in moments of concentration and often frustration.

None the less, feeling this way has forced me to try something new with this blog. I have decided to write a series of open letters entitled "A Letter To..." about things/to people I really care about and it will give me a really exciting opportunity to try something a little different with my writing and get me to post a lot more regularly. So I really hope you enjoy it and I would love to know your thoughts.