Monday, 27 March 2017

Seeing Stars

I think sometimes we don't get what we deserve; some of us get more, others of us get woefully less, and a few unlucky sods get screwed over by circumstance & timing. Unfortunately, a lot of my friends and loved ones have recently fallen into the latter category. This is especially true when it comes to relationships/romance. When these don't work out the way we'd hoped or imagined it's too easy to feel worthless. Rejection is never easy to deal with and I've found it has a nasty habit of making me feel cheap, or, well really rejected!

This time? I got so close... I almost fell. At least that's what I kept telling myself. "It's ok, you didn't quite make it, you didn't go over the edge." An almost was fine; it meant nothing would break. Nothing needed to. It turns out I was wrong. Yes; my heart finds itself more or less intact, but I still find my sense of worth, and my ego in pieces by my side. I'd be nursing that injury for a while.

But my God, I wanted it to be the dreaded four letter word. I wanted it to be mutual. I had accepted quite a long time ago that the love I want wouldn't look like it does in romance novels: volatile, wild and crazy. I want the kind of love that knows peace. I want the safety of the person whose solidity reassures me, the easy conversation that feels like it never began but simply continued, the electricity which means that clothes will never be on for long in their company, and to get to know and love all the little things that make that person so uniquely themselves. I want someone who will fight for me, who will be able to reciprocate the same ferocity with which I'll battle to keep what we have. I want someone who will think of me not just in their drunken stupor but the morning after when they're nursing a hangover.

I want to be the woman they choose. Knowing that at this point I wasn't "the choice," cast a blinding light on my flaws. It didn't matter that it may not have been "my fault,"or that it was just bad timing, all I could see were the ways I was both too much and not enough. I'd curse myself for being too fast to fall, too soft on occasion, and sometimes too forgiving. I set my standards high and my walls higher. But the thing is, it's either all or nothing with me. I can't just dip a toe in and test the temperature. I have to just leap. That often happens while I am stood there denying it and desperately telling myself "almost" is where I am at. This is because almost-love is safer than saying it aloud. It allows time to get to know the person, and lets you still keep some of your walls. Almost-love means though your sense of worth or ego maybe bruised when it ends, at least your heart remains intact.

The unexpected problem with this almost-love though, is that when/if it ends before you fall off the precipice, you discover the grief of lost possibilities. A myriad of futures, some of which you hadn't even considered before, are now painfully out of reach. You know there's every likelihood of an exciting future with the "right person," but it will never be the same, because you aren't the same. People alter us; and we alter them... and together? No two daydreams will be identical. You'll tailor them to fit you, to fit the person who's stealing your heart... And so when the almost-love ends, you lose a potential version of yourself.

So for now? Aside from eating copious amounts of ice cream and consuming similarly copious amounts of alcohol... I have been burying myself in my new job, causing trouble with my dog, and getting dressed up. Surrounding ourselves with the people who love and support us helps us to heal, and whether it's love or almost-love... Next time it comes around I'll be a much me-er version of myself, and I hope I'll be ready to fall. But will I see stars or will they fall too?