Saturday, 26 September 2015


The title pains me a little, but only because it is not a "real word" and thus is underlined in angry red squiggles. However, it seems the only perfect title for this post. It was coined by a great friend during a Skype session which was spent:
a) freaking out about adult life
b) trading stories about moments when adult life and/or behaviour seemed to elude us
c) wondering how we were ever allowed to become grown-ups

The word fadulting is perfect. Its roots: a hybrid of the words fake and adulting (also not a "real word") which seemed to perfectly summarise this limbo stage we both felt we were stuck in. It is a point where we have graduated university, so can no longer use the excuse "we're students," nor can we continue to reject the realities of being an adult: paying bills, earning money, holding down a job to earn said money. These horrible truths are both sad and inevitable. We had both spent 4 years (yes choose languages, you get a whole extra year of the student excuse!) being remarkably talented ostriches and somehow emerged the other side with a good degree and a talent employers wanted.

Fast forward 3 months: graduation has been and gone and here I am: about to start my third job (don't even ask) and wondering how I have got to 22 and still feel like a child playing dress up when I wear a suit. I don't feel grown-up. I don't feel ready to call myself a professional. I still feel about as lost and confused as I was at 18, as a baby-faced fresher. Yet I have held a job for a month, am starting a project that may actually have a serious impact and in the workplace people actually value me, and wanted to hire me. I pay rent on a house, (mostly) look after myself and make sure I eat and sleep enough... But I still find myself in a state of disbelief. Is this me? Most often I feel like I am role playing... I simply make myself acceptable to the adult world, when really I would like to be running around playing princesses and dragons with the other 8 year olds.

The amazing thing about this is that I am slowly learning: Isn't this all of us? Most of my friends (even the ones who are now married and doing even more grownup things than I can process) admit to feeling this way. That they simply "fake it" most of the time, but behind closed doors, outside of those Instagram feeds and tweets about promotions... They are just as lost as I am. As it turns out we are all just Ostriches finally being forced to emerge from the sand.

So my advice? Ok, it's actually Dory's advice; "Just keep swimming," and "fake it 'til you make it." We are all lost, but it doesn't mean we need to worry about this. I think we find our paths in our own time and on our own terms. So for now, I am attempting to enjoy the journey, love what I have and chase what I want. Oh and I can't possibly forget that I will continue to "fadult" until eventually I don't need that bloody "F" anymore.