Wednesday, 29 July 2015

The Love We Deserve

After an incredibly depressing and annoying essay of a post (sorry about that one everyone) I was challenged to write something positive. Where my head is at right now, that is a pretty big ask. I usually like to consider myself less pessimistic but at present, when having various realities and home truths forcefully rammed home to me, I am not a bundle of joy. I didn't know what to write about: my first thought was a list of things/people/places I am grateful for. Well I dismissed that idea immediately upon realising the post would end up sarcastic, bitchy and would probably paint a rather impressive portrait of that little green monster in me. Trust me, that'd be about as much fun to read as sticking needles in your eyes.

So here is the one I settled on: Love. The kind we crave and the kind we deserve, and the kind I hope all those precious to me find. If it gets vom-worthy then feel free to stop reading, but I have attempted to make it as readable as possible. Ok I lie... It may induce vomit. My apologies.

I think we all deserve the kind of love that makes your insides flutter, your smile bigger and your eyes gleam. We deserve the kind of love that makes us see magic in the other person... And maybe even appreciate the magic in ourselves. It's the kind that makes the world better: life can be falling apart and pulling you in opposite directions, but you know in the moment you're with that person that it'll be ok, because when you have them you have all the strength you need. We deserve the kind of love that makes us want to remind the other person of the good that they can't see in themselves. It's the kind of love where that isn't hard, because in our mind all we need to do is remind them of who they are. It'd be the kind of love where they feel it too: when they remind you of who you are, you don't see everything you hate about yourself but you begin to see yourself through their eyes. It's like seeing for the first time. All the things you despise are suddenly pulled into the open, and you hate them being exposed but you realise that you are loved for EVERYTHING you are, "bad things" included. We deserve the kind of love that makes us want to be better, the kind where you want to become everything the other person sees in you. We deserve the kind of love that makes us happy. We deserve the love that is made stronger by friendship: we know the other person is crazy gorgeous, but knowing how to be best friends with them too? That's gold dust.

I like to think I am an optimist. Many friends have already found this strange, alien concept, and have made a lifelong commitment to that person. Most of you are my age, or even younger. This is something I have openly admitted to being slightly terrified of... but if you have found something as precious as the kind of love you deserve, then KEEP IT. And keep in mind how precious it is and how blessed you are. For those still searching, who have been injured in the search; please don't shut yourself off. Don't run away... I really do believe it's out there, and you deserve it. I know you do. And I really sincerely hope you find what you deserve, a love as precious as you are.

Saturday, 25 July 2015

Reining in the Crazy (and Failing)

I had a whole host of posts lined up and written (shocking I know) but none that were of a publishable standard (well not in my books). So here I am sat at the screen desperate to get all my thoughts on paper from the last, well honestly? Probably the last month. Life has been mental and every time I feel like I am starting to rein in the crazy and settle something happens. Sometimes it was something small, like a bad day and everything feeling like crap, sometimes it was something a little bigger, like the hunt for a job and a house with a tight deadline so I could fulfil my wish of staying in Norfolk for another year and sometimes, as I am finding, the crazy is kind of a big deal. The latest crazy was: losing a job in the exact span of a day and a half, combined with and linked to, a trip to the doctor that turned into a week's stay in hospital and an operation, as well as a very satisfying amount of morphine and some spectacular bruises to show for it. Oh and did I mention that this has left me unable to eat properly, housebound, completely grumpy and less than grateful for my body, all in the WEEK BEFORE and DAY OF my UNIVERSITY GRADUATION CEREMONY?!

Dramatic. Melodramatic. That's me and how I am often described. However, at present I feel I am not exaggerating. The last few weeks have been filled with so much drama and whether it's the lack of food, exhaustion from the pain and frustration of being mentally ok but physically rather crippled, and weak... I feel completely angry with a lot of things. But right now? I am angry that I was too unwell to appreciate the day that was meant to be exciting, special, and filled with lots of photos of myself and my wonderful course-mates. Instead I decided to honour a motto I tend to live by: Never look as crap as you feel. And good god did I succeed! I put on the beautiful dress I ordered in the sale, did a full face of makeup and looked more well than I had in weeks. I'd even venture to declare that I looked good. But I was in tears before the ceremony even started. I was placed in my row, but it was less than 10 minutes before I made a speedy exit. I saw the concerned looks of my coursemates, how could they know after all? Many assumed it was a panic attack. For once, no, I felt horribly nauseous and instead of remembering the moment on that stage and savouring the fact that this was only going to happen once and I had earned the right to a pretentious gown and stupid cap, I was instead chanting in my head:
"Just breathe, in and out, in and out. Ok now sip some water, but not too much. Being sick is not an option." I blamed the breakfast I needed to give me some energy. I hated everything in those moments and that hour was one of the longest of my life. The same goes for the walk across the stage. That was the longest walk of my life, plus instead of looking at the Chancellor as I shook her hand, I am pretty sure I looked through her just like I did everyone, as I tried to find my feet and keep them planted.

I saw friends, hugged them, congratulated them, all the while still wishing I could be at home in bed, but knowing that I needed to be at my graduation, to be with them because if I wasn't I'd only look back with regret. I am in photos, my family were with me, I have my certificate and after feeling how I felt, it means more now than it ever has.

I am pretty certain that following this post I will get messages asking why I never said anything about my "adventures" in hospital, or why I didn't announce it until now. I didn't because I had no idea how hard it would be to fend off. I thought (as per usual) I'd just, you know, soldier through. That's what strong people do right? But right now I don't feel very strong. I just feel tired. Plus when faced with the pity, those "Are you ok?" questions, the concern, I will pretty much be guaranteed to crumble into a puddle of tears and emotion or turn purple with rage or green with envy. Basically, I am unpredictable and emotional and NOT in a positive way at all. I like to keep my mess to myself usually, but on this occasion I wanted to fill you in and let you know why I have been a little AWOL recently.