Monday, 26 November 2012

10 Things I Miss...

1. I miss my family.

2. I miss my dog.

3. I miss my friends.

4. I miss horse riding.

5. I miss hugs from my parents after a difficult day.

6. I miss the walks along the Downs to clear my head.

7. I miss home cooked food.

8. I miss my bed.

9. I miss you.

10. I miss how we could spend hours together eating cake, and talking and never be bored.

Tuesday, 13 November 2012


There are things I want to change. Better teeth, clearer skin, thinner body, cooler hair, better clothes... the list goes on. In fact sometimes this list consumes me. The list of "little things" I'd like to change becomes that big list of pretty much everything... until I get to the point where I am effectively wanting to change myself. Not just the little things in my appearance, but the personality traits that make me who I am. It's no longer just the not quite perfect teeth, or the slightly outdated clothes... but that annoying thing where I don't stop talking, or the tendency to fall over air, or the thing where I have very blonde moments. I don't want to have any of those things any more. I want to change. I want to be different. I want to be something else, someone else. Anyone else. Maybe then you'll like me. Maybe then I'll be acceptable. Maybe then I can be the person that someone else wants. I look for ways to make myself desirable, acceptable and better. I assume that as myself I can never be any of those things.

But how do you know that you aren't attractive? How do you know that the things you see as weakness or embarrassing, someone else doesn't find endearing? What you see is not the same thing that others see. It's definitely not the same thing that God sees... he sees beauty and treasure. He sees someone who is precious and loved and worth everything.

Sometimes though, it isn't as simple as "knowing" that you don't need to change, but it is also something you have to believe. Once you believe that as yourself you are enough, you gain a new kind of confidence and reassurance that others may lack. No amount of friends saying that you're fine is enough to convince and enough to prevent the creation of a destructive "to do list" of things to change. I know that Jesus loves me as I am and I know that what I might see as serious flaws others see as something relateable and human. But sometimes I have difficulties actually believing this truth. How do you know that you aren't the one people look at and think "I wish I was like her..."? I know, it's hard for me to believe too. I can't imagine anyone thinking that, but I believe I was made like this for a reason.

It's as much my "battle scars" and life experiences that make me who I am, as well as my strengths. Why should I change that, when it makes me human? And although tragic and messed up, humanity is beautiful. We laugh and love and live and hope. We are capable of creating more beauty than the heart can imagine and we feel and express emotion like no other species can. There is so much beauty in the human race that if changing myself stops me from being human, then I don't want to do that. I don't want to lose that beauty.

So next time you wish you were her, next time you wish you could change things and next time you think it's your fault... remember that you are amazing and keep your head held high, because you never know who is falling for you. Because I know I wouldn't want my friends to be anyone else. And now I would always choose being human over being perfect.

Sunday, 11 November 2012

Everyone Needs Friends

You are the ones who live with my insanity. You are the people who make me laugh on a daily basis, the ones who don't let the bad days stay bad, the ones who can raise a smile even when I want to cry. You are the people who I can spend hours with and never be bored. You are the ones who I can not see for a couple of days and it feels like months. You are the people whose opinions I value and whose friendship means the world to me. You are the people who know me so well that my silence worries you. You put up with my constant chatter and more than occasional immaturity. You are the people I want to be racing along streets on my mobility scooter with, the people I want to be sat in armchairs with, drinking tea and cackling like the loonies we are when I am old and grey. You are the people I'd be lost without.

In short there are 6 words: You are awesome. I love you.

Friday, 2 November 2012

It's the little words...

I miss you. I love you. I trust you. These are 3 of the hardest phrases for me to say. I have asked myself countless numbers of times why they are so difficult to say aloud. I mean all of them are 3 words, and 3 syllables, which take merely seconds to speak. They are simply conjugated present tense verbs.They use some of the simplest language in existence.

In spite of this, the thought of uttering these words fills me with a strange kind of fear. My stomach flips, my palms sweat, a million thoughts run through my head and my heart thuds like a drum. This is because when these three words are said they reveal something from the heart, something from the centre of our very being.  They make us vulnerable because we are showing a desire or a need for someone, without knowing if they feel the same. We are trusting them to look after and nurture us, to return that desire. The heart is a precious thing, and to admit a desire or a need for someone is to show vulnerability and it opens us up to being bruised, beaten and wounded. In that sense, to say "I miss you" or "I love you" or "I trust you", you are taking a huge leap of faith and a huge chance.

If these words are spoken and they are reciprocated, respected and nurtured then something beautiful can blossom. You can have a relationship born out of love, hope, respect, honesty, loyalty and trust. It can be something lasting and something meaningful. It can be something where even when things are difficult and you feel dragged down by the world, you can be secure in the knowledge that you are loved and that you are safe. The heart blooms. It becomes whole. This is one of the most precious things in the world.

As soon as these words are misused, misplaced and overlooked, pain is created. The vulnerability seems more like a weakness. It seems more like a disadvantage. What was courage before, now appears to be stupidity, and what was made to be reciprocated turns messy. It wounds you and although wounds heal, they leave scars. You learn not to trust. You learn not to let your heart be seen by a soul. You learn that any kind of vulnerability is ugly. That it is weak. So you cover it.

This is why I, and so many of us, when times get hard, struggle to trust Jesus. We judge Him on human terms, on the imperfections of ourselves and knowing the power that the words of others have had on us we shy away. We forget that God LOVES us. He only wants the best for us and he will never misuse and hurt us. He is there to piece together our brokenness, not to inflict more upon us. It is something I need to remind myself of constantly. I need Jesus. I would have nothing without Him. He has taught me to love and to trust again. To not be so afraid of being vulnerable, because in Him I have strength.

Never underestimate the power of your words. They have the power to create something truly amazing, or to bring about utter devastation. So, mean what you say and say what you mean, because the human heart is a precious and fragile thing.