Monday, 24 March 2014

A Dying Passion

This summer I will have completed my year abroad in Montpellier, France. It has been without a doubt one of the hardest years of my entire life thus far, with more ups and downs, twists and turns than a rollercoaster. I have been both torn apart and built up in almost equal measure, and definitely changed as a result. I have caught the travel bug and a taste for adventure which I am not sure I really posessed before this September. In fact before this September I was a girl overcome by fear and anxiety starting out in a new place with absolutely no idea what the future would hold. And whilst others have become more certain and more comfortable with what they want to do later in life I have done the opposite. Everything I thought I knew, everything I thought I wanted has been put into question and right now there are only 2 things I am certain of:

1) French is not my subject. Shocking I know, since I adore the language and am one step closer to being a fluent speaker (which is really exciting)

2) My faith. I still have a lot of questions and part of me thinks I always will but I know that Jesus saved me and that I love him. And for now, that is enough for me.

But do you know something? The girl with the obsession with a plan and with a solid idea of where she wanted to be by 21 is gone. In her place stands a woman who sees the world and knows there will always be more to learn from it and is hungry to see more. She is someone who, in the midst of uncertainty and fear, has not let it rule her but has instead let it free her. In her place, stands a woman who knows that though this year has been unimaginably hard at times, it has been one of the best decisions of her life. I know that all of this seems melodramatic and cheesy but it is undeniably true. I am not the same girl who came to France, wide-eyed and scared, I am someone who has been strengthened and molded into a strong, capable woman. Whilst I do not know what I want I am now certain of what I do not want: I do not want to spend another year just scraping through,doing something I am merely good at, but I want to persue something I love, something that satisfies me. I want to take the risk of doing something so wholly unrelated to my degree that the likelihood of getting onto the course is not high. I want to prove that I cannot be boxed in and that I am not the person  I have spent 19 years believing I am, but someone totally unrecognizable from a lost and insecure teenager. I am taking control of myself and taking hold of my identity. I am a child of God, friend of Jesus, highly capable, independent and full of fight. I am becoming the person I want to be. And she is nothing like I expected, but I like her.

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