Tuesday, 15 January 2013

Fine. I admit it...

I always told myself that when I wrote this blog I would write from the heart. I would be truthful and frank and write what I know about. So far I like to believe this has been the case.

I find it difficult to admit how I feel. To those who know me I seem like quite an open person, someone who wears their heart on their sleeve. A lot of people have also said I am like an open book. Those closest to me however, know differently. Yes I wear my heart on my sleeve, but in reality talking about how I feel is nigh on impossible. Sentences become jumbled, my speech (which weirdly is not eloquent anyway) loses all meaning and becomes stunted and physically painful to listen to. I hate talking about how I feel. I hate confrontation. I used to think this was just in the case of arguments but now I realise I much prefer to bury everything and pretend it is fine. I think a lot of us do this. So here I am, confessing in the only way I know how: writing.

I am lost.

In a few months I am no longer going to be a teenager. I always assumed that when I got to 20 I would have left the "awkward phase" behind and be this beautiful, thin, confident, happy, self assured woman. I assumed I would have life sorted. I would be going on wild adventures, doing wild things, meeting new people and know what I wanted to do with my life. 20 seemed like the end of teenage years and the beginning of a life led by a confident happy woman. It's naive I know. I've met people in their 60s who still don't know what they want to do with their lives. I have had this ideal in my head for a long time and the reality of "wild adventures" (my year abroad) is scary. The prospect of meeting new people is scary. Life is scary. And not knowing the ends I am striving for and questioning so much is enough to make me feel lost.

Life feels like a never ending maze of twists and turns, dead ends, games and it is so easy to get lost. I am trying my best to hang on to Jesus but at a time when life seems nothing but a storm and the path is treacherous and uncertain this is difficult. My grip is weakening and I am mere millimetres from letting go. Talking to God is difficult. I don't know what to say, or how to say it. But I forget one thing, which one very wise friend reminded me of:

Jesus knows our hearts. He sees into the very core of us and knows our every thought before it is voiced. Yet he loves us all the same. Psalm 139 is a well used and perfect example of God's intimate knowledge of each and every one of us. 

In other words, God knows I am lost. He knows I am frantically searching for Him, and he is guiding each and every step I take. All I can do is trust that He will bring me through it and light my path.

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