Lists.

There are things I want to change. Better teeth, clearer skin, thinner body, cooler hair, better clothes... the list goes on. In fact sometimes this list consumes me. The list of "little things" I'd like to change becomes that big list of pretty much everything... until I get to the point where I am effectively wanting to change myself. Not just the little things in my appearance, but the personality traits that make me who I am. It's no longer just the not quite perfect teeth, or the slightly outdated clothes... but that annoying thing where I don't stop talking, or the tendency to fall over air, or the thing where I have very blonde moments. I don't want to have any of those things any more. I want to change. I want to be different. I want to be something else, someone else. Anyone else. Maybe then you'll like me. Maybe then I'll be acceptable. Maybe then I can be the person that someone else wants. I look for ways to make myself desirable, acceptable and better. I assume that as myself I can never be any of those things.

But how do you know that you aren't attractive? How do you know that the things you see as weakness or embarrassing, someone else doesn't find endearing? What you see is not the same thing that others see. It's definitely not the same thing that God sees... he sees beauty and treasure. He sees someone who is precious and loved and worth everything.

Sometimes though, it isn't as simple as "knowing" that you don't need to change, but it is also something you have to believe. Once you believe that as yourself you are enough, you gain a new kind of confidence and reassurance that others may lack. No amount of friends saying that you're fine is enough to convince and enough to prevent the creation of a destructive "to do list" of things to change. I know that Jesus loves me as I am and I know that what I might see as serious flaws others see as something relateable and human. But sometimes I have difficulties actually believing this truth. How do you know that you aren't the one people look at and think "I wish I was like her..."? I know, it's hard for me to believe too. I can't imagine anyone thinking that, but I believe I was made like this for a reason.

It's as much my "battle scars" and life experiences that make me who I am, as well as my strengths. Why should I change that, when it makes me human? And although tragic and messed up, humanity is beautiful. We laugh and love and live and hope. We are capable of creating more beauty than the heart can imagine and we feel and express emotion like no other species can. There is so much beauty in the human race that if changing myself stops me from being human, then I don't want to do that. I don't want to lose that beauty.

So next time you wish you were her, next time you wish you could change things and next time you think it's your fault... remember that you are amazing and keep your head held high, because you never know who is falling for you. Because I know I wouldn't want my friends to be anyone else. And now I would always choose being human over being perfect.