Thursday, 5 January 2012

Long Time No See.

I haven't written for awhile now...but I thought since it is the start of a new year I should write something.
You may want to know, or you may not even care, why I haven't written for awhile. Honestly, it has been hard. I haven't known what to say. I think that's because I haven't been honest with myself, so I didn't know how to write anything honest on here, because I never want to write anything which is untrue; part of the point of this blog is honesty.

I have been struggling for awhile now with my faith. It has been a real low point. Although I have settled into university (finally) and made friends, I still feel like I haven't become close enough to anyone, to talk about these struggles with them. I literally do not know where to turn. I have tried praying so much, but I can't hear God. I am beginning to think He's deaf. I also haven't been near my bible for ages. That is mainly because it frightens me. That when I read it there are passages that raise more questions than they answer, and because I don't feel I know anyone well enough to talk these questions through I feel alone. Again I pray, but I hear nothing and see no response.

Recently, the information for a youth event which I have been waiting for since last August was put online. I looked again but the reality of it is scaring me. How can I tell people about my faith when I am barely certain of it myself?! How can I tell others about how good and loving God is when I am almost blind to this?! That is the other reason I didn't phone the person in my church about being involved in a church plant. Because, is that still God's plan for me? Is that still what I should do? Last year, international mission was laid on my heart more strongly than anything else. I have a passion for it. But with things not being great in the last few months, I feel like I am not and will not have the ability to do it. How can I explain to anyone that worship is nigh on impossible, and I am almost scared to go near my bible?!

I mean, maybe that is why I am on here. Finally able to be honest after the last few months have been so hard. I need God, now more than ever, and while I am doubting a lot, I still want it to be possible for Him to reveal himself in all his glory to me.

Don't worry,I am nearly finished! I am just going to leave you with some of my new years resolutions:
1) Do not fear new things
2) Make time for God
3) Be myself

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