Long Time No See.

I haven't written for awhile now...but I thought since it is the start of a new year I should write something.
You may want to know, or you may not even care, why I haven't written for awhile. Honestly, it has been hard. I haven't known what to say. I think that's because I haven't been honest with myself, so I didn't know how to write anything honest on here, because I never want to write anything which is untrue; part of the point of this blog is honesty.

I have been struggling for awhile now with my faith. It has been a real low point. Although I have settled into university (finally) and made friends, I still feel like I haven't become close enough to anyone, to talk about these struggles with them. I literally do not know where to turn. I have tried praying so much, but I can't hear God. I am beginning to think He's deaf. I also haven't been near my bible for ages. That is mainly because it frightens me. That when I read it there are passages that raise more questions than they answer, and because I don't feel I know anyone well enough to talk these questions through I feel alone. Again I pray, but I hear nothing and see no response.

Recently, the information for a youth event which I have been waiting for since last August was put online. I looked again but the reality of it is scaring me. How can I tell people about my faith when I am barely certain of it myself?! How can I tell others about how good and loving God is when I am almost blind to this?! That is the other reason I didn't phone the person in my church about being involved in a church plant. Because, is that still God's plan for me? Is that still what I should do? Last year, international mission was laid on my heart more strongly than anything else. I have a passion for it. But with things not being great in the last few months, I feel like I am not and will not have the ability to do it. How can I explain to anyone that worship is nigh on impossible, and I am almost scared to go near my bible?!

I mean, maybe that is why I am on here. Finally able to be honest after the last few months have been so hard. I need God, now more than ever, and while I am doubting a lot, I still want it to be possible for Him to reveal himself in all his glory to me.

Don't worry,I am nearly finished! I am just going to leave you with some of my new years resolutions:
1) Do not fear new things
2) Make time for God
3) Be myself

I Survived Freshers Week!

As the title suggests, I survived freshers week. It has been fairly up and down really. I got to know my lovely flatmates better and go out a couple of times (yes only a couple of times!) which has been pretty fun. I think I have some great friends in the making. 

I have also seen a couple of churches which has been good. I still can't decide, but I don't want to spend all term hunting for one, I need to find somewhere to get stuck in. At the moment my favourite one is the first one we visited...small but really welcoming and great worship and preaching. I think I am planning to see a different one next Sunday. So I think I will make a decision then. 

Things have been hard sometimes. Homesickness has really hit me hard. I speak to my family nearly every day and have a long conversation, and last night I spent over an hour on the phone, crying to my best friend. I miss her so much, and the distance makes it so hard to just hop onto a train and see her or my family. Still we will meet up in London for a day which is much easier to get to than home is. I am certain that when I get into a routine and get used to being here I will love it. 

The prospect of starting lectures is terrifying...they will all be delivered in French (bar the grammar ones) but I am also pretty excited about it. A chance to finally do something people are equally enthusiastic about as me. Still, I am enjoying not being obliged to do any work yet. 

Today, I went for a swim. I am determined to be healthy while I am here and I refuse to put on weight. In fact, I would like to lose some. Not obsessively, but enough to have a lean, toned figure. 

Anyway, I am totally wiped out so I will get a very early night (11pm, shockingly!). That way I can be bright eyed and bushy tailed for lectures tomorrow.