Sunday, 7 December 2014

Clear Vision

Looking at the world map from my bed... I think about my dream to see the world, about all of those rare and beautiful animals I wanted to see in the wild before I died. I think about all the people I want to meet and all the things I want to own. I dream of the day when I can trade my (fairly regular) shopping trips in H&M, Warehouse, Topshop and Newlook for the big brands, first Whistles and Reiss, and then into the big leagues: Armani, Burberry, Prada... I think of all those first class flights and the days when buying a £38 eye shadow set won't count as splashing out. I think of the fleeting dreams of novel writing in my chateau in the south of France, being a best selling author and living with an entire menagerie of animals. I dream about finally being able to get the horse I have wanted since forever. I dream about being able to change lives with my writing, and impacting people in profound ways. I wish for better assuming that having money means all of this will be accomplished, and not until then.

What I forget is, that I will still be, fundamentally me, and thus fundamentally flawed. I forget that you can't outrun your problems, much less out dream them. These days my dreams are smaller, more realistic: I feel relief getting to the end of the day and crawling into bed is my reward. I am proud of writing a few hundred words, let alone thousands. I think of the people I have around me, and the family I treasure, and begin to ask myself why this isn't enough.

The honest answer? I don't know. In some ways, it is more than enough, it is more than I ever would have thought possible to have. At the age of 12/13 I wouldn't have believed anyone if they told me I would go from being almost totally alone and isolated, belittled even by those who should have helped me, to having friends who love and value me. It is still a novelty, even today. As much as the memory of that girl hurts, I am learning to make peace with her. I hope I never forget, because she deserves this. She deserves the love she has now and treasures it. To change one life is enough, but to have a voice that people listen to? That is an incredible gift. 

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