Sometimes it feels like I just have to say that I'll be okay, and if I am not, I will be eventually. I refuse to show people the uglier side to me: the side which feels constantly inadequate and turns into a horribly insecure mad woman when times get tough. Out here in Montpellier, it feels like I have a mountain to climb, and the progress is slow. Sometimes painstakingly so. More often than not, there are days where it seems like a total non starter to even take a step forward, because when I feel insecure I often throw myself into other areas where I know I am strong ie studying. Except here that is not possible because I often feel just as out of my depth at uni as I do when I am trying to work out the practical things. This means I have had to be wholly and completely reliant on Jesus since I have been here, since I cannot lean on my own understanding or strength because I get to the end of the day and I am exhausted.
I am learning to be thankful, even in spite of the moments where exhaustion overtakes me & I am left grappling with the belief that I am not strong enough. After all, Jesus has given me the best flatmates ever, a church where I was instantly welcomed and made to feel part of the family of God, and support from completely unexpected places. He has given me moments of truly unexpected elation and freedom and has spoken to me when I needed him the most. Basically, I am falling in love all over again and it feels incredible. But I am also learning that with love, it is not enough to simply pretend everything is fine all the time otherwise the relationship is built on falsehood and lies. When the truth does emerge, it will seem so much more difficult to deal with and it will be so much more painful to overcome.
So I know it's a huge step and a massive risk for the heart but bringing yourself before God no matter how much you are hurting is something that I think is essential in order to have a good relationship.
In short, this amazing song says it all: Any Other Way - Tenth Avenue North
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