I'm fine.

This is probably the biggest, most commonly told lie in the book. I know that I am guilty of using it more frequently than I should. I will tell you one thing though, I very rarely get away with it. This is mainly because I seem to have a pathological inability to lie. It is so obvious. I go bright red, smile and sometimes, I even laugh. It is also not helped by the fact that my beautiful friends know me so well they can tell within seconds whether or not I meant "I'm fine." Sometimes they can tell without me needing to say anything at all. So is this apparent inability to pretend that I am fine a good thing?

Yes - I would argue that it is. This is because I spent so long pretending ("I'm fine" was the one lie I learnt to perfect) that I dug myself into a lot of trouble which left me broken hearted and reeling from the wounds it inflicted. Burying problems has never worked well for me, and I love that my friends can tell when I am not okay, because sometimes I get tired of fighting it. I get so tired of smiling and saying "yes I am fine." It is truly exhausting. But then I think everyone must do this. How many people actually know our real state of mind? I'm fine covers a lot of bases and it can also act as a wall, something that says "Please don't ask any more questions." or "I don't want to talk about it". Shockingly, sometimes it can even mean exactly what those two words say: "I'm fine."

It isn't weak to admit that things aren't great, and it definitely isn't weak to seek help and advice; in fact I see this as a sign of great courage and strength. But what puzzles me is that I can go to my friends with my problems yet, I don't want to take them to God. I don't want to show him the worst side of me. I spend so much time trying to convince others that I am coping, and so much time trying to be "strong" that I won't open myself up to God. And this is bizarre because God knows what is beneath the carefully crafted "act" I put on every day. He can see exactly how things really are and whether or not I am really coping. Yet, I won't admit it. God won't use my problems against me, he won't betray my confidence, he will simply want to help me piece together my brokenness. GOD IS LOVE. And when things are going wrong God's love never ever fails. He ALWAYS comes through.

God gave us the power to fight the problems we face. He gave us the authority of his name to remove the shadows they can cast over us, and the fear they can create. My own introspection can prevent me from seeing the bigger picture, from seeing the huge God I serve. He is so much bigger than the problems I face and he is the only source of truth in a world full of pain and brokenness. He is the only one who can truly heal the wounded heart. I can live like I am still caged by the fear of inadequacy, when that cage door has been opened and I can walk away from it. I can run to God's arms knowing he will meet me where I am at, tend to my heart and show me a better way.

This is what I need. This is the God I serve: healer to the broken, carer to the abandoned, father to the fatherless, love to the loveless and hope to the hopeless. I hold that  knowledge in my heart and I know that through everything I will continue to praise God, because I know he will always come through for me. Matt Redman says it better than I can:

"I can see a light, that is coming for the heart that holds on, a glorious light beyond all compare."

You Never Let Go, by Matt Redman 

 

Something Beautiful

Beauty inspires me. It is wonderful and captivating and bewildering. I see it in the small things, a simple look, a smile, in the landscape and even sometimes in my studies. But it is also the bigger things: the view of the Downs, the contrast of a tough man made structure against the softness of a blue sky littered with fluffy white clouds (I was thinking of how the Eiffel Tower looked against the skyline on my trip to Paris). It fills me with a magical sense of awe and wonderment. How can things which appear so simple and small capture my heart so completely?

To me they are all little love letters. Small notes to give me inspiration and remind me that my God loves me. They are there to lift my spirits when I am feeling low and they are there to keep me smiling when I am happy.

But to me, beauty can also be heartbreaking. It can seem like something totally unobtainable, something that will always be just beyond my reach. I think that this is what giving up make up for lent helped me to realise. It made me realise the value of beauty. It changed my definition of it.

I used to see beauty as something that wearing make up created. Without make up, beauty no longer existed. Without make up, beauty was wiped away and stripped from me.

But I have realised that beauty holds a much truer, deeper value. It is something that comes from the heart of a person more than anything else. It is shown in how you treat others and how you treat yourself. It is the values you hold and the relationships you have. Beauty already exists in every single person. It is not something you simply erase and it is not something you can create, because beauty already exists. Every heart aches for beauty. To be seen as beautiful, to behold beauty. It is at the very core of our being.

Beauty is more than skin deep.Yes, I love make up. Possibly even more than before. But I do not need it to feel beautiful. I no longer need to hide behind it. I no longer need it to feel adequate. I use it because I WANT to. Not because I NEED to. No woman should feel that they need make up to look beautiful. No woman should feel that without it they are inadequate, because this is so wrong and not what God says at all. He made us in his image. He made us perfectly. He therefore, made us to be beautiful. Make up does not create this beauty, it merely enhances it, and sometimes it can even conceal it.

So what is most beautiful to me?

• A heart given entirely to God. When I see people who have a heart for God, worshipping Him with everything they have, giving everything, my heart sings and I am filled with joy.
• Love. This is clichéd I know... but it is true. Love is one of the most beautiful emotions I have ever experienced. It is also the most painful. But as I said, beauty can be a heart breaker as well as a healer.