(Not so) New Me

Sometimes we overthink. For some of us that sometimes is always. I am one of those people. And I try to fight it. I try to look at things for what they are, and try to take my friends' advice of "just go with it" but that it is so much easier said than done. I wanted to be one of those crazy, impulsive spontaneous people but it never quite works out that way. I should just accept that I am a total contradiction in terms and probably a psychologist's worst nightmare/dream patient, depending on how you choose to see it. I am trying to make a change, I made a big hoo-hah about the new me at the start of term, but as it would turn out new me is remarkably similar to the old me, except I think it is likely she is a bitch. And quite frankly I want to scratch mark 1, and move on to New Me mark 2: who will be virtually identical to old me. She will be kind, confident and self aware. She won't be bitter or petty, but sweet and forgiving. Basically, new me is an impossible illusion and I shouldn't be trying to attain the impossible. It'll only end in tears. Not like it hasn't already. Stupid stupid things. Stupid life.

(Wannabe) Wild Child

I am crazy and excitable and can be full of energy, but I don't think I can describe myself as being particularly spontaneous or wild. Those just aren't two words I cope well with. For me the fact that I can decide to have a fringe one day is about as crazy as I get (yeah I know living on the edge right?!) and sometimes my sartorial choices are a little out there, but when it comes to crazy trips and last minute get aways I do not excel... I am the kind of person who would say "Yes, I'd love to do something spontaneous... how's next Friday?" In other words, I love the idea, but then when the reality of the unplanned and the unknown begins to dawn on me it doesn't take much for my mind to run a mock with what ifs, and numerous negative scenarios fill my little head. I guess that is what happens if you have anxiety issues.

I think that is why I have a kind of fascination with my friends whose lives are like that, the ones who just pack a bag and say "Right, see you soon!" I would love to be one of those care free, live in the moment people, but I am not. I am learning to be less controlling and more impulsive, but it is one small step at a time. I have just reached a point where I am tired: tired of fear holding me back, tired of feeling like nothing I do is good enough, and most of all I am tired of making excuses. It is never too late to change, or to take charge.